Announcements

I pardoned former President Alex Grand today and I swear if I have to hear one more person talk about this “scandal” I am going to start charging them for delusions. We wasted three months on absolutely nothing. Three months of hearings, comments, press conferences, charts, speculation, and dramatic sighing for a scandal that had the structural integrity of wet cardboard.

Kane Labarre turned the whole thing into his personal Broadway audition. He kept acting like he was uncovering some national conspiracy when the closest thing to evidence he ever had was a rumor printed on recycled paper. He delivered monologues like the fate of Pandora was hanging by a thread when in reality the only thing hanging by a thread was his credibility.

Former Attorney General Addison Denny spent those same three months trying to make the law care. Spoiler: it didn’t. Addison practically begged the legal system to take imaginary crimes seriously, waving around binders like they were sacred texts when they were really just scrapbooks of theories that collapsed under eye contact. If dramatic pacing could indict someone, Addison would have won the case on day one.

And then there was Paislee Edler, just hovering in the background like the world’s most academically committed extra. Paislee was building spreadsheets and charts about allegations that evaporated the second anyone asked a follow-up question. It was like watching someone work tirelessly on a school project for a class that got canceled before the semester even started. The effort was impressive. The purpose was nonexistent.

So yes, I pardoned Alex Grand. Not because it was controversial or brave, but because the universe deserved closure from the most exhausting make-believe saga in the history of this Republic. There was no villain, no plot, no conspiracy, no climax, no nothing. Just Kane, Addison, and Paislee aggressively role-playing a scandal that lived exclusively in their minds.

We are done here. The paperwork has caught up. Everyone can go outside now.

— President Eva Baylor

Paislee, the coin thing was never a big deal. Totally not a big deal. Everybody knows it. Abby Shneider made the whole program up back when Treasury was basically a daycare with spreadsheets. Nobody cared. Nobody respected it. Nobody even knew it existed, frankly.

Then we made them funny. Very funny coins. The funniest. And suddenly the public loves it. They are buying them like crazy. It is a hit. A total hit. People are calling me saying, "Madam President, this is the best thing Treasury has ever done," and guess what. They are right. They are absolutely right.

And now you are upset because your Honorary Series did not get treated like it was some priceless national treasure. Come on. If people need a special Serious Coin for their Serious Legacy, fine. We will make one. We will make the most serious coin you have ever seen. Very serious. Everybody will clap. It will be amazing.

But do not pretend the joke coins ruined anything. If anything, they saved it. They saved the whole stupid program. Before this, it was just interns arguing over fonts. Now it is a phenomenon. People are talking. We are winning. The country loves it.

If your feelings are hurt by aluminum with nicknames on it, I mean, good luck in history.

— President Eva Baylor (The Greatest President in Pandora History)

S TIER — actual problem enemies

- Paislee Edler — weaponized legacy, refuses to go away, infected government with self importance,

hard to kill politically

- Kane Labarre — media monster, thrives on chaos, camera-dependent, extremely dangerous when

bored

A TIER — annoying but powerful

- Peyton Young — irritatingly likable, smiles like a senator from a children’s book, public eats it up

- Emma McRae — talks in perfect soundbites, owns the NGO circuit, gives journalists free headlines

- Annabella Grentz — secondhand presidency survivor, somehow still relevant, cursed with bipartisan

nostalgia energy

B TIER — persistent pests

- Abby Shneider — bureaucratic chaos machine, treasury goblin, incompetent in ten different directions

at once

- Jessica Bua — rights discourse factory, extremely hydrated, always ready with a report nobody asked

for

- Press Pool — negative, humorless, obsessed with asking the same question nine times

- Kristina Copeland — housing do-gooder brand, nonprofit halo, annoyingly hard to attack without

sounding evil

C TIER — bark but no bite

- Political Scientists — love theories, hate winning, permanently stuck in analysis mode

- Legacy Merch People — cheap, tacky, constantly commemorating, economy of nostalgia parasites

D TIER — background irritation

- Maria Smith — weaponizes procedure, turns everything into homework, allergic to decision making

- Fact Checkers — write paragraphs, destroy vibes, get dunked on by the internet

Today I am pleased to officially welcome The State of Azure Coast into our union as our newest and frankly long overdue state. For years Azure Coast functioned as a vital part of our economy, our culture, and our coastal infrastructure. This often happened without the recognition or representation it deserved. Some argued that the region was not ready for statehood. Others insisted it would be too complicated, too expensive, or too inconvenient. Those arguments have aged poorly.

After a thorough review and an overwhelming affirmation by the people of Azure Coast themselves it is clear that statehood is not only appropriate. It is deserved. With this transition Azure Coast will now have full representation in the Senate and it will elect a Governor. Certain individuals will now have to negotiate with them on equal footing. That is how a functioning republic works.

The State of Azure Coast brings with it thriving ports, world class marine research, agricultural sectors that quietly kept half of the country supplied during shortages, and a diverse population that has never needed permission to be part of Pandora. It only needed the chance to be treated fairly.

This administration is proud to be the one that finally delivered that chance.

— President Eva Baylor